The Illusion of Choice 

a conversation on Bisexuality, stereotypes, and privilege and the illusion of choice.

“But you’re bisexual… so you can be with girls as well!!! For you it’s pretty easy, I would say… at least you have that option!” — he texted. We were still in the process of getting to know each other after a few days of matching on a dating app.

I smiled at that text, not because I agreed. But because I recognised those words. I’ve heard them before from quite a few people — some friends, some strangers, some mere acquaintances. Different conversations, a few different words, but the underlying idea remains the same! 

So I replied — “It doesn’t work that simply. 😊”

He continued — “Sometimes yes… about being confused and lost.”

I paused for a moment. Then wrote — “No. I’m not lost or confused. 😊”

He replied — “But I think once you fall for someone, whether it is a girl or a guy, you should stay loyal to that person. Just for the sake of societal pressure and other things, you should not change your decision at the end moment.”

And that’s where I realised. We weren’t actually talking about bisexuality anymore. We were talking about character.

So I wrote —  “This perception of bisexuality being ‘easier’ comes from a preconceived notion that all bisexuals choose to hide their orientation and settle in a heterosexual relationship. Considering I’m not like that and I’m pretty out and proud as a bisexual man… It ain’t that simple. 😊”

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There is something fascinating about conversations like these… precisely because they are far more common than we realise. Almost every openly bisexual person I know has heard some version of these statements.

• “You have the option.”
• “You’re confused.”
• “Eventually you’ll choose.”
• “You have it easier.”

None of these sentences are usually spoken with hatred. Most are spoken with absolute sincerity. Often, they are simply opinions formed through lived experiences, stories heard from others, or stereotypes inherited from society. That is precisely why they deserve a conversation instead of an argument.

A few years ago, I would probably have become defensive or even offended.

After all…

How many times can one explain the same thing?

How many times can one justify one’s existence before exhaustion begins to sound like surrender?

But then, therapy, heartbreak, friends, the Master’s wisdom, and eventually, Life has taught me something surprisingly simple. People don’t always need correcting. Sometimes, they simply need another lived experience to sit beside their own, provided of course they are kind and open to a conversation. After all, every belief I hold today was once a belief I did not. 

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So instead of telling him he was wrong, I asked him to stay and think and wonder… 

I wrote — “All the things that you’re mentioning about bisexuality are very prejudiced. I would be happy to address them if you’re open for a conversation.”

I consciously chose to address only his opinions and not him as a person, as prejudiced.

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As we kept talking, something beautiful happened.

He stopped trying to explain bisexuality to me and started listening. He wrote — “It’s great to know that you’re pretty serious about it and take it on a straight note for your life. I appreciate your perspective on this.”

And that’s when I replied with perhaps the sentence I believe most deeply — “None of what you say is about bisexuality. It’s about a person’s inherent character, irrespective of their orientation.”

Because it is the truth! A dishonest person lies… A loyal person remains loyal… A manipulative person manipulates… A compassionate person loves…

None of those qualities arrive gift-wrapped with an orientation.

Orientation tells us who your heart may love. Character tells us how! 

I went on to tell him something I wish more people understood.

“Most bisexuals are not confused. They are just denied enough societal acceptance to be open about their orientation.”

Confusion is rarely the defining characteristic. Fear is.

Fear of disappointing one’s parents and family, fear of losing friends… Fear of ridicule, rejection or even violence…

Fear of becoming the “family’s secret.”

Fear of being reduced to a stereotype before ever being seen as a person.

When a society repeatedly teaches people that authenticity comes at a cost…

Many don’t become confused.

They simply become silent.

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At one point he said something that stayed with me — “Sexuality is not the issue… the issue is the thought process and behavioural traits of the people.”

Exactly. So I replied — “Which is applicable for anyone irrespective of their orientation… 😊”

And perhaps that is why I felt compelled to say something else.

“I’m not saying all Bisexuals are good. I’m saying the poor conduct of some should not be the reason to have an opinion about all.”

It sounds almost obvious when we read it.

Yet somehow, we rarely apply that logic consistently.

If one straight man cheats, we don’t conclude that heterosexuality encourages infidelity.

If one gay man lies, we don’t assume dishonesty is a homosexual trait.

We recognise those as failures of character.

Yet bisexual people are so often asked to answer for the behaviour of every bisexual who came before them. No individual should have to carry the moral burden of an entire orientation.

And then I asked him something. Something I think we should all ask ourselves whenever we make assumptions about another group —  “Think by yourself if any of the last few sentences would occur to you for any other orientation. If not, then chances are they are coming from a space of Bi-phobia”

It was not hatred or evil or malice. Just an inherited idea or possibly one formed out of a past unpleasant experience! One that had quietly settled into certainty.

What we often call biphobia isn’t always hatred. Sometimes it’s subtler than that. It is the quiet assumption that bisexuality is somehow less real, less stable, less trustworthy or merely a phase. Ironically, these assumptions don’t just come from heterosexual society. They often come from within the queer community itself.

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Looking back on the conversation while writing this article, I realised there was another idea quietly sitting underneath everything he had said. The assumption that bisexual people always have an easier option because they can simply “choose” a heterosexual relationship. That assumption even has a name: straight-passing privilege or “bi privilege”

Straight-passing privilege describes the assumption that because a bisexual person can be in an opposite-sex relationship, they inherently possess a “privilege” to blend into heteronormative society and escape homophobia.

An extension of this article can be traced to when I spoke on Bi-erasure in my article “Too Gay to be Bi” published on 19th June, 2026. [Click here to read the article]

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Later in the conversation, he apologised. Not because I demanded it. Not because I won. But because he had begun seeing the conversation differently.

And then he thanked me. Ironically, I think I was the grateful one, because he reminded me of something I often forget. We all possibly do…

Most people are not trying to hurt us. They’re simply repeating things they have never had the opportunity to question.

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I have often said…

“Stereotypes exist for a reason. But they should not close you off to possibilities.”

Patterns exist… experiences exist… pain exists.

But stereotypes are maps. Not destinations! 

The problem begins the moment we mistake the map for every person standing in front of us.

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Not every conversation ends this way. I’ve seen people cling stubbornly to certainty. I’ve seen conversations collapse before they even begin. I’ve seen doors close the moment difficult questions are asked. Some people never become curious and I guess that’s alright. Not every mind is ours to change.

But every once in a while… A stranger says…

“Maybe I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

And another stranger replies…

“I know you didn’t mean any harm.”

And for a brief moment… Two strangers walked away from that conversation… carrying a little less certainty…

…and a little more understanding.

Perhaps that is enough.

Perhaps love doesn’t always begin with butterflies.

Perhaps… Sometimes…

It begins with two people choosing curiosity over assumption! 

Journal entry 

Dr. Krish

4th August 2026, 7:22 PM